It’s Hard To Lose Weight When You’re Mentally Ill
And no, going for a jog won’t make me feel better
I’m overweight. I’m lucky enough that I have a body type that makes me look curvy, but I’m overweight. I hate it. It’s making it hard for me to look in the mirror, I barely wear the clothes I like because they are tight, and when I do, I take them off as soon as possible.
A while ago, I figured out how my body works: I gain muscles really easy, and retain them for a long time, even when I don’t exercise. However, the same goes for my fat as well. It’s just that it wasn’t as prevalent when I was still a teen.
To date, I’ve tried various ways to lose weight and failed. Why? Mostly because of my mental state. If you look at what I eat, you can see that it’s balanced, it’s healthy, and I don’t snack very often. I just eat too much. I’m not particularly eager to use my mental health as an excuse, but it is what it is. Let’s have a look at why losing weight with a mental illness is hard.
Exercising
One of the first things people will tell you when you complain about needing to lose weight is “just go sporting.” And, honestly, it’s the same advice I give most of the people that ask for weight loss advice (ironically, I am one of the moderators on a weight loss forum). However, exercise isn’t something you do when you’re mentally ill.
I am neurodivergent, I have depression, and I have anxiety. It’s hard enough for me to complete my work on some days, let alone go out for a jog. To make sure I don’t lose it, I try to practice self-care as much as I can. However, there simply isn’t any energy left for me to get me to out and sport. I even have a boxing pillow, yet I barely use it.
Instead, I try to implement more physical exercise in my daily routine by going for long walks with my dog, and by dancing while I cook. It adds up to 1.5–2 hours of movement every day. It’s very little, but I like to think that it helps.
Calorie counting
Another thing that many people advice when trying to lose weight is to count calories. That way, you can prevent eating too much. However, doing this has led me to disordered ways of eating in the past, and I do not want to do that to myself again.
In 2018, I was determined to lose weight, so I started counting my calories. It went well at first, until I tried eating 1200 calories a day, then 1000, then 800, and finally 600. I had lost 3kg in a week and once almost fainted when I walked towards a store 3km away without having eaten anything. I eventually stopped because my partner begged me to, and I immediately gained double the weight back.
I’ve tried calorie counting a few times since then but setting a flexible goal. Still, it only takes a few days for me to obsessively check all the calories on the food I eat, trying to eat as little as possible. And it always ends with me binging on whatever we have at home.
Fasting
One of the things that actually seems to work for me is intermittent fasting. I don’t have to watch my calories as much, and I can pick a time window which suits me best. I fast from 6.30 pm to 10.30 am, and with this method, I’ve lost quite a lot of weight. However, it’s tough for me to retain this method of losing weight as it often interferes with my mental health.
You see, when I am feeling particularly overstimulated or depressed, it’s tough for me to stay disciplined and not eat anything after my fasting window. That’s entirely on me, I know, but it’s still something I struggle with. Another thing that happens when I feel very depressed is that even intermittent fasting can lead to disordered thoughts. This happens less often, but it’s still something I need to watch out for.
I think that this method is something I need to continue working on to lose weight, but I can’t say that it’s easy.
Acceptance
My very loving partner has suggested to me to perhaps just try to accept my body as it is. However, that’s not something I want to do. I’m healthy, my blood levels are great, I eat healthily, and I often go out for a walk. Still, I experience physical discomfort. I can’t wear shorts because my thighs will start sanding against each other, clothes I used to love are now tighter, or show my figure which I do not like.
I fully support the HAES movement, and I’m all for acceptance. However, the physical and mental discomfort of my weight and size is affecting me. Therefore, I will not accept my body as it is right now, but I will try to accept my body as it changes towards a (hopefully) better weight.
Somehow, it’s just insanely hard to stay disciplined. On top of that, my physical state makes my mental state even worse. It just keeps building up. There are days where all I can do is cry about the way I look, and how it makes me feel. There are days where I force myself to go for a jog, even though my mental health is not sub-par, and it always ends in a mental breakdown during or after.
I’m still working toward a solution, and I’m trying to accept myself in the meantime, but it is, and it will be a long process. I understand the well-meaning people giving me advice. However, many of them do not have mental health issues, which makes it harder for them to see the bigger picture. I don’t blame them. I need to find a way that is made for mentally ill and neurodivergent people.
I don’t know if I will ever succeed, but it’s something I’ll have to find out for myself.
